Piecing Me Together From Scraps

So I was able to complete the design assignment with the "About Me" theme and just as I presumed it was one of my greatest challenges as a scrap-layout designer. I wasn't that eager to create a page with the theme "About Me," and I wanted whatever I did create to truly be something reflective of me as an individual but also something original in concept. I value my ability to think outside the box or beyond the literal, when given an assignment I will try to give the theme of the assignment a new spin to make it my own and I wanted to do that here also. Of course this approach to design sometimes can leave me over-thinking the idea or making something more difficult to achieve than it needed to be. This may turn out to be the case with this design as well but for me it was a great design challenge, a very personal experience and it has become the inspiration for future works I think. As promised I do intend to share every bit of it, despite how personal the content might be. I figure if nothing else comes of this experience those who take the time to read the content of the layout might understand where I came from, a touch of what I experienced and why I am who I am. Of course I am much more than a 2-page 12x12 layout, just as I suspected I would be!

The idea for this page centers around the facts that are me and also my own personal experiences in life which I am able to directly relate to a personal characteristic, a value I hold, or behavior I may have now as an adult. Sometimes in life people have a tendancy to wonder "Why me?" I know I did. In fact as I wrote once before, I had struggled to believe in God as a teenager for many reasons. As an adult I am pleased to say I have great faith in God and I have been able to open my eyes and see how one action and choice leads to another and subsequently "Why me."

The photo I chose is recent from this summer but it has been ripped into pieces and then taped back together, in keeping with the title of "Piecing Me Together." My given name, Malina Ione, is the first thing that shaped who I am today "My father gave me my name. Malina is a sun goddess-this name has always made me feel stronger than I am. I like my name...I always have."

There is also a copy from my baby book which not only states the facts of my birth but is accompanied by this journaling, "My babybook is filled out in my Dad's familiar print - I wonder if my mom (biological) didn't write anything because she hated me even back then. I fill out both my children's baby books, then I have their other parent write in it too. They will never wonder.... This bit also highlights my zodiac sign as an Aries as I feel my zodiac sign has contributed to who I am and I am proud of the characteristics I possess as an Aries.

Because my photo is here, because this page has my start I also add the present "end." "I look in the mirror & I see my Birth Mother's face. I have spent my whole life in fear of becoming her but now I recognize that some of the best parts of me I have inherited from her, or learned from her example or even developed myself because of an experience I had due to her. I am a quick-thinker with a sharp or smooth tounge - I am independent, a giver & nurturer with a strong value for family. I am a fighter and a survivor."

The journaling to the far side has some words in red so as to bring attention to them but the entire section maintains the same theme. "My father & Cindy were both in the Air Force & were out by the time I was 5 yrs. By the age of 12 I have moved 14 times. Mostly between ages 7-12. When Taylor turned 5, Jackie & I purchased the home we are currently living in. Taylor is now 14 - Jack was born here - our children have gone to the same schools & had the same friends as long as they can recall.**Growing up we rarely saw any family, we had no photos, no albums & no idea about where our family came from other than very rare, short comments Cindy made. We had no roots & no history. From birth until adulthood Cindy does not display a single photo of me in her home or her albums. Of her 5 children I am the only one that "doesn't exist." At 14 I take a photography class & then I take a new one every year until I am done attending high school. As an adult I become a professional photographer & scrapbooker. My walls are plastered with photos of my children. My albums are packed full of family. I use flowers in this layout to represent growth and the blossoming of identity while butterflys appear everywhere as a symbol of transformation, for when a butterfly feels life has come to an end this is when a miracle takes place, a new life is given to them and they are transformed into something beautiful. The butterfly is a very fragile creature with an amazing resiliancy and survival instinct.

The first page of the layout which contains more of the "pieces of me" is a hodge podge but has an intentional flow to it. The title word "ME" contains various embellishments, or scraps that are parts of me but require no real story. "I am NOT a superhero I just play one in real life might in the future require further explanation as it does not just refer to the nickname 'Super-Scrap' that those close to me have taken to jokingly calling me but also to the delusions that many seem to in regards to my abilities to save the world...or at least their world...and my personal viewpoints on the subject.

A portion of this page consists of stories which contributed to the values I developed which I pass onto my children. What people think they know about me, what motivates me or inspires me might be surprising to them.

"I lived with (biological mother) Cindy the woman who gave birth to me & Scott, my step-father till I was 14. For that entire period of time I was a victim of the alcohol, marijuana & cocaine addictions they both had. I believe this experience and the 7 years of exposure to their disease is the exact reason I never tried street drugs or became a addict. Instead I decided to study psychology & I will become an addiction counselor. I understand why everyone needs therapy...including me - still.****I was 16 when my Dad said, 'You will turn out just like your mother & become nothing more than a burden on society if you continue like you are.' I turned out to be everything opposite of Cindy. I volunteer/give to those in need as an apology for everything she took" Volunteering and giving to society has become a part of who I am but initially, when I was able to first contribute to society in a productive way it was out of guilt. This statement is the same reason I avoided welfare or asking others for anything unless forced to do so. It has caused me to develop a bad habit of not seeking help when I need it or admitting weakness so that others can be a strength for me. I choose to avoid being a burden to others, particularly to my own father or those closest to me.

"I was 14. It was June & it was the last day I would ever live with Cindy. In the front yeard my father fought to pull her 89 lbs. of rage off me as she was attempting to choke the life out of me. I am able to still, 19 years later, recall the feeling of her hands & the struggle to breath. I think this is why I was able to easily break the cycle of abuse." Later I added the words, "I Forgive You. (In case you wondered about it.)" between this story and the next one. It is applicable to both. In case they needed to know.

We never forget our first true love, even though they are rarely really true love just a true lesson in how to love later in life. Despite this, the first real broken heart from that love is very real and in my case I wasn't sure if I would ever heal from that broken heart or from the anger which followed. My first love and my first true broken heart is going to get full credit for providing me with the two greatest loves in my life...I won't say the choices I made were ideal but I can see the good that came of the bad. "My first girlfriend broke my heart & cheated on me with a guy 'for fun.' She did not understand how I felt. So I slept with some guy to hurt her, so she could know how badly I hurt. I believe that if this had never happened then I would never have slept with a man. Michelle - I am grateful that you did betray me so I could concieve my daughter and the woman who came after you was 'the one.' She has spent these past 13 years loving me 'for fun.' Thank you for breaking my heart - it helped me heal.

In the hours after the layout was 'finished' I doodled just a few more brief things such as "Never settle! This is what my mom, Carrie, always told me while we were shopping...'If you don't love it, then don't just settle.' I apply those words to everything in my life, not just shopping, and I share them with my own daughter." I also added something about being homeless for a year when I was 16 and how this has resulted in my serving the homeless in my own community with more understanding than the average volunteer. My last little story shown in the layout reads, "The only kind thing I ever remember Cindy saying to me happened to be one of the most personally influential things anyone has ever said to me. I feel it could possibly be the only thing that saved me from a low self-esteem/poor self image. I was 11. 'Once I used to be pretty good to look at & your father is extremely handsome - so how could he & I together not possibly create something beautiful? Remember always you are one of the world's rare beauties.' I try to tell both my kids everyday how smart, beautiful, special and amazing they are. I hope they listen."

If there is no struggle, there is no progress. -Fredrick Douglas

Often when a designer is invited to join a design team he or she may be asked to scrap a layout about themselves which provides limitless and unclear possibilities. Sometimes, heaven help us, a potential designer might be asked to design such a page as the submission for consideration to the call; this in my opinion is then a creative resume of sorts as not just the designers artistic ability and creative approach is considered but the content of the journaling. I hate "About Me" pages. I entered into the art world as a photographer and hung out there long before I became a professional layout artist and rarely is the photographer in front of the camera.

I was asked to submit my first design for Rochester Scrapbooking Company as a biography page to be displayed in the store alongside the other designers pages. This was in July. Even though there was a time when I had more designs displayed in the store than any other DTM I did not, and I still do not, have any form of a biography page displayed. I mean what would I put in it...a photo of me? Then a list of 10 things about me like one DTM did? Or just my name as a title below my photo with white space full of flowers as another did? Is she trying to say she is flowers? She likes flowers? Flowers are her favorite embellishment? I avoided the dilemma of thinking about "WHO I AM" and moved on instead to distracting everyone by producing enough layout designs, altered art or mini albums to distract from the fact that I was absent from the wall and here in January it has worked pretty well. Apparently no one cares about "WHO I AM" anymore than I care to discover the answer.

I have again been presented with the "About Me" theme which cannot be escaped because no other design can be submitted for the assignment until this one has been submitted and time is running out to get this done. I was not eager to list random facts about me that might change next week or next month as little about me stays the same I like to believe. Also the "About Me" came with that wide, open creative space which is great for everything except narrowing yourself down into 1 12x12 or 2 12x12 pages if lucky. Did they want the creative resume? Something creative? I refuse to create the same old, same old that everyone else will submit and I am not about to guess what "they" are looking for and so I need an "About Me" that speaks to ME but which I am OK about sharing with the everyone else.

It isn't all the people out in the 'invisible world' which I worry about sharing with as much as perhaps my own circle who might learn things about me that destroy the perception they had created of me...or worse perhaps I might share something which is viewed as a vulnerability in the armor which I have painstakingly assembled link by link for years. What if in sharing something about myself I accidently share something about someone else that shouldn't come out yet...and yet at the same time I couldn't just make a "My Favorite Things Today" list and call it "All About Me"

I had the good fortune today of visiting with a very good and old friend of mine whom I hadn't seen for some years as that friend was working on improving their own life just as I was doing the same. The nice thing about good friends is no matter how many years pass, if true friendship ever existed then it is easy to pick right back up where you left off and continue the conversation from way back when, even if the details have changed to suit the moment. My visit with my friend came at the perfect time when I was battling with a concept for what I fondly began to refer to as "My Greatest Work of Crap Yet" and needed some direction because I was certain the assignment reviewer would not have the same warm, fuzzy feeling as I did for the title. We began to discuss how sometimes down the road you can see the good that has come of the bad or how certain experiences which we may or may not have grateful for provided us with lessons for life.

I shared memories of times that I can remember when I struggled to ever accept a God could exist, since my life had held some horrific experiences that a real God would never permit. I have since learned that this is a common feeling amongst those facing adversity as a hail storm who are immature or absent in faith. As I pointed out in our conversation, I can now, so far down the path I chose, see each and every painful stepping stone that brought me to the the monumental and greatest stepping stones. And while I might remember how I felt during the painful times I survived and it does not hurt nearly as much, if at all. I was also able to identify very specific experiences in my life which made me who I was today...the good and the bad.

This led me to have a somewhat cathartic experience as I began journaling my concept entries and I expect when this design is complete I will have crossed another stepping stone on my path. One which I hope will take me to another positive stone but if nothing else I, and those who view my layout as I won't hide it from anyone, will know a bit more "About Me."

***And hopefully I can get away with using the same design for other biography or me themes as this has been enough self discovery for awhile and I would like to retreat back behind the camera.

Love yourself, touch yourself, schedule a mammogram...but scrapbook first.

***Written on October 2, 2010 and only learned today that it never posted!***

Happy National Card Making Day...here it is almost 4 in the afternoon and I haven't made a single card! Not true, I opened my laptop for cards to begin with but then found myself heading in different directions without expectation. I am actually working on these beautiful thank you cards to the various businesses and individuals who helped to ensure a fantastic Breast Cancer Crop for a Cause last night at the local scrap store I design for.

Given the accident I was in during last year's walk when I was run down by a cyclist I knew I would not be able to walk the Journey and given that the injuries sustained contributed greatly to my loss of employment & nearly all my income I knew I could never make the financial donations I had in the past. What I did know was that I could throw one hell of a party when given the chance or called upon to do so especially with my very good friends Heather and Mary, Reflections artist and RSC owner/artist. Heather, my cheeky friend, has executed her fair share of events with me in the past and knows just how to step in and save my day every single time I need it! I am especially grateful to Mary Wigham, owner to RSC, who had understood how I felt about the need participate in the fundraising efforts of the Join the Journey organization for SO MANY reasons and she stepped up and helped me to meet that need by partnering her business with mine.

After Mary spoke with her business partner, Nancy, at Rochester Scrapbooking Company and I spoke with Heather, it was decided that a crop was the perfect way to give back to the community using whatever talents we had between our teams. I was amazed at how well it went despite some bumps in the road. The response in attendance was tremendous with an over-packed group of croppers...and as a hostess to the event rather than a participant I was also able to see how talented this group of croppers were. I was also touched by how generous everyone was. I would not be exaggerating if I said that the very night Mary first announced the upcoming event people were asking how to help and offering up donations of all types. Given that these persons are artists we wound up with gorgeous glass etched mirrors by Mary and a wonderful cash donation, pink scrapping supplies from artist Jenny a very familiar face around RSC, and artist Lisa gave some beautiful items to pamper oneself with from Avon including a beautiful silver pink gem breast cancer tennis bracelet, Nancy, one of the RSC owners, provided a pink ribbon shaped and a much desired Xyron sticker maker (ammended: and then later created a gift of more than $100.00 in pink product which she raffled off at the end of the month).

The most surprising donation to be had came from Java Detour, not because they aren't willing to make donations because they actually provided 500 gallons of coffee to the walkers of the Journey only weeks before but because of Heather, "Ms. Just-tell-me-what-you-need-me-to-do-and-you-run-the-show" (yes that is her full name ha ha) took the initiative and set up the meeting to arrange these gifts by contacting the company manager and making this request. Oh and she placed them in the very cutest of gift card holders that she designed created...these were so cute I insisted she get a registered copyright before they even left the work table LOL. But how cute are these designs, why wouldn't she think she needs that registration right away???

Jenpachi Steakhouse might just be one of the best restaurants in town I believe. I really do not think enough people are even aware of how perfect a food fried rice with lobster sauce can be when prepared by Charlie's chefs!!! Well there are about 2 dozen women that are now aware because Charlie was so gracious to make a very generous, very last minute donation of a chicken teriyaki with grilled veggies and fried rice dinner for every scrapper AND hostess! That alone was worth more than the crop fees which were donated to the charity, Join the Journey. We were also priviledged to have a "Soul Warrior" survivor from Join the Journey scrap with us last night and she graciously served as our ambassador and is presenting our donations to Join the Journey...so even though I have thanked her before I just want to do so again.

Everyone was so amazingly generous. When Mary announced the first raffle ticket sale she sold 75 tickets in 5 minutes. Then Mary, who had already given so much of her personal self and her artistic creations dug deeper still into her own pockets and purchased another round of tickets for all the croppers right before the first drawing, including Ann who according to her is her most valuable employee. I too have a lot of respect for Ann not just because of her awesome talent and knowledge but because she just has it and she is so fun when we crop. When Ann came in to be a needed extra set of helping hands last night (and that extra set of laughs that I think some of us also needed) I thought it a nice gesture by her supervisor Mary because expressing gratitude is SO vital but so overlooked many times. Ann being there allowed Mary, Nancy, Heather and I to be more involved with the crop than the actual store. With that said, I want to also say that the thank you I was given from Ann last night when we spoke and then again on the Rochester Scrapbooking Company website really is touching and appreciated because everyone likes hearing thank you especially when it isn't expected! You are a blue diamond Ann.

Reflections Keepsakes, my company, did make various donations from RK-Dies to hand-cut, custom designed scrapbook albums of varied types. Heather and I gave items to the raffle of course, but because we wanted everyone to know how valued they were to this event we loved that we could keep pulling out surprises to give away to EVERYONE not just one ticket holder because EVERYONE kept pulling out donations to give to the cause.

Heather she came out of her vacation (which I had feared turned retirement lol) fully refreshed and she went pedal to the metal with producing brand new RK-Dies from our typical stash to give away during the event, cards to thank our event sponsors, designing and assembling Breast Cancer Mammogram reminder postcards and thank you card covers as needed...she is so the "Card Queen" I must say and there are LOTS of great hand-crafted cards being produced here in Rochester but she always seems to have that extra oomph a card needs...the personal that I think can sometimes be hard to achieve in mass producing hand-made greeting cards. And then as if I didn't slave drive her enough I had her just hustling EVERYWHERE at the last moment yesterday...I'm sure you think I was just off playing paper dolls and doing nothing but I assure you I don't have a single paper doll in my possession :0)

Those who take care of the Lord's people will be taken care of by the Lord. This was all about giving, giving, giving and more giving and I believe that the more we sacrifice for the good of others the more good will come to us in time. It was fantastic that Rochester Scrapbooking Company was able to obtain $1000 in sales because 10% of those sales went to Join the Journey from our Crop for a Cause. Ann who was so committed to raising sales for the cause, stood outside the store in the dark and cold with boxes of ribbon booming out her ribbon sale details LOL. Ann I am sorry people didn't wander off the streets for your ribbons because it was a great deal and I actually forgot to grab some myself!

It is just as well that I didn't buy more ribbon I likely do not need as my car broke down last night right as I was preparing to leave for the crop and I mean BROKE with a capital $DOLLAR SIGN$. When I get to Heaven I think one of my questions for God will be to determine why everytime I work on a breast cancer fundraiser something seriously bad happens to me. I understand that it is not charity unless we suffer but come on, everytime I work a Breast Cancer charity something of mine gets broken...my head, my car lol. I am already getting nervous about next year!

Seriously though the generosity witnessed last night by the crop guests, by Mary, by Rochester Scrapbooking Company's customers who were unable to attend was so impressive and a great way to kick of October. Of course now we might just need to have a benefit for my car so I can get to the crops lol, Ann's crop fees so she is allowed in at the crops lol, and Heather's DOT DISEASE so she can actually crop :)...if Rochester Community scrapbookers are this generous for just one cause imagine if it were for 3 causes!

Well hopefully everyone who participated felt like they walked out with lots of goodies, a full belly, a layout or two done, and the satisfaction of knowing that 19 croppers could raise almost $500 in a couple hours as well as the knowledge that they just helped to make our world a better place! My 13-year-old daughter thanks you also because breast cancer runs deep in this family right up to her generation and with more women like the group we had last night in the world how could we not find a cure before the time comes for her first mammogram?

Now...onto the next cause!!!!