Piecing Me Together From Scraps

So I was able to complete the design assignment with the "About Me" theme and just as I presumed it was one of my greatest challenges as a scrap-layout designer. I wasn't that eager to create a page with the theme "About Me," and I wanted whatever I did create to truly be something reflective of me as an individual but also something original in concept. I value my ability to think outside the box or beyond the literal, when given an assignment I will try to give the theme of the assignment a new spin to make it my own and I wanted to do that here also. Of course this approach to design sometimes can leave me over-thinking the idea or making something more difficult to achieve than it needed to be. This may turn out to be the case with this design as well but for me it was a great design challenge, a very personal experience and it has become the inspiration for future works I think. As promised I do intend to share every bit of it, despite how personal the content might be. I figure if nothing else comes of this experience those who take the time to read the content of the layout might understand where I came from, a touch of what I experienced and why I am who I am. Of course I am much more than a 2-page 12x12 layout, just as I suspected I would be!

The idea for this page centers around the facts that are me and also my own personal experiences in life which I am able to directly relate to a personal characteristic, a value I hold, or behavior I may have now as an adult. Sometimes in life people have a tendancy to wonder "Why me?" I know I did. In fact as I wrote once before, I had struggled to believe in God as a teenager for many reasons. As an adult I am pleased to say I have great faith in God and I have been able to open my eyes and see how one action and choice leads to another and subsequently "Why me."

The photo I chose is recent from this summer but it has been ripped into pieces and then taped back together, in keeping with the title of "Piecing Me Together." My given name, Malina Ione, is the first thing that shaped who I am today "My father gave me my name. Malina is a sun goddess-this name has always made me feel stronger than I am. I like my name...I always have."

There is also a copy from my baby book which not only states the facts of my birth but is accompanied by this journaling, "My babybook is filled out in my Dad's familiar print - I wonder if my mom (biological) didn't write anything because she hated me even back then. I fill out both my children's baby books, then I have their other parent write in it too. They will never wonder.... This bit also highlights my zodiac sign as an Aries as I feel my zodiac sign has contributed to who I am and I am proud of the characteristics I possess as an Aries.

Because my photo is here, because this page has my start I also add the present "end." "I look in the mirror & I see my Birth Mother's face. I have spent my whole life in fear of becoming her but now I recognize that some of the best parts of me I have inherited from her, or learned from her example or even developed myself because of an experience I had due to her. I am a quick-thinker with a sharp or smooth tounge - I am independent, a giver & nurturer with a strong value for family. I am a fighter and a survivor."

The journaling to the far side has some words in red so as to bring attention to them but the entire section maintains the same theme. "My father & Cindy were both in the Air Force & were out by the time I was 5 yrs. By the age of 12 I have moved 14 times. Mostly between ages 7-12. When Taylor turned 5, Jackie & I purchased the home we are currently living in. Taylor is now 14 - Jack was born here - our children have gone to the same schools & had the same friends as long as they can recall.**Growing up we rarely saw any family, we had no photos, no albums & no idea about where our family came from other than very rare, short comments Cindy made. We had no roots & no history. From birth until adulthood Cindy does not display a single photo of me in her home or her albums. Of her 5 children I am the only one that "doesn't exist." At 14 I take a photography class & then I take a new one every year until I am done attending high school. As an adult I become a professional photographer & scrapbooker. My walls are plastered with photos of my children. My albums are packed full of family. I use flowers in this layout to represent growth and the blossoming of identity while butterflys appear everywhere as a symbol of transformation, for when a butterfly feels life has come to an end this is when a miracle takes place, a new life is given to them and they are transformed into something beautiful. The butterfly is a very fragile creature with an amazing resiliancy and survival instinct.

The first page of the layout which contains more of the "pieces of me" is a hodge podge but has an intentional flow to it. The title word "ME" contains various embellishments, or scraps that are parts of me but require no real story. "I am NOT a superhero I just play one in real life might in the future require further explanation as it does not just refer to the nickname 'Super-Scrap' that those close to me have taken to jokingly calling me but also to the delusions that many seem to in regards to my abilities to save the world...or at least their world...and my personal viewpoints on the subject.

A portion of this page consists of stories which contributed to the values I developed which I pass onto my children. What people think they know about me, what motivates me or inspires me might be surprising to them.

"I lived with (biological mother) Cindy the woman who gave birth to me & Scott, my step-father till I was 14. For that entire period of time I was a victim of the alcohol, marijuana & cocaine addictions they both had. I believe this experience and the 7 years of exposure to their disease is the exact reason I never tried street drugs or became a addict. Instead I decided to study psychology & I will become an addiction counselor. I understand why everyone needs therapy...including me - still.****I was 16 when my Dad said, 'You will turn out just like your mother & become nothing more than a burden on society if you continue like you are.' I turned out to be everything opposite of Cindy. I volunteer/give to those in need as an apology for everything she took" Volunteering and giving to society has become a part of who I am but initially, when I was able to first contribute to society in a productive way it was out of guilt. This statement is the same reason I avoided welfare or asking others for anything unless forced to do so. It has caused me to develop a bad habit of not seeking help when I need it or admitting weakness so that others can be a strength for me. I choose to avoid being a burden to others, particularly to my own father or those closest to me.

"I was 14. It was June & it was the last day I would ever live with Cindy. In the front yeard my father fought to pull her 89 lbs. of rage off me as she was attempting to choke the life out of me. I am able to still, 19 years later, recall the feeling of her hands & the struggle to breath. I think this is why I was able to easily break the cycle of abuse." Later I added the words, "I Forgive You. (In case you wondered about it.)" between this story and the next one. It is applicable to both. In case they needed to know.

We never forget our first true love, even though they are rarely really true love just a true lesson in how to love later in life. Despite this, the first real broken heart from that love is very real and in my case I wasn't sure if I would ever heal from that broken heart or from the anger which followed. My first love and my first true broken heart is going to get full credit for providing me with the two greatest loves in my life...I won't say the choices I made were ideal but I can see the good that came of the bad. "My first girlfriend broke my heart & cheated on me with a guy 'for fun.' She did not understand how I felt. So I slept with some guy to hurt her, so she could know how badly I hurt. I believe that if this had never happened then I would never have slept with a man. Michelle - I am grateful that you did betray me so I could concieve my daughter and the woman who came after you was 'the one.' She has spent these past 13 years loving me 'for fun.' Thank you for breaking my heart - it helped me heal.

In the hours after the layout was 'finished' I doodled just a few more brief things such as "Never settle! This is what my mom, Carrie, always told me while we were shopping...'If you don't love it, then don't just settle.' I apply those words to everything in my life, not just shopping, and I share them with my own daughter." I also added something about being homeless for a year when I was 16 and how this has resulted in my serving the homeless in my own community with more understanding than the average volunteer. My last little story shown in the layout reads, "The only kind thing I ever remember Cindy saying to me happened to be one of the most personally influential things anyone has ever said to me. I feel it could possibly be the only thing that saved me from a low self-esteem/poor self image. I was 11. 'Once I used to be pretty good to look at & your father is extremely handsome - so how could he & I together not possibly create something beautiful? Remember always you are one of the world's rare beauties.' I try to tell both my kids everyday how smart, beautiful, special and amazing they are. I hope they listen."